My story

December 2020

That’s when it began

I went to the gym and ended up in my own head

“You don’t need dinner.”

It’s just one meal, you will be fine

Your body will thank you later

Then I was down 10

February 

“How much longer can you go?”

It’s a constant game

I feel like I need to know

Then I was down 10

March

The hunger is consuming me

My belly aches with emptiness

“Oh wow, you look so good, keep it up, they tell me.”

Then I was down 10

And 10 and 10 and 10

I look in the mirror

My eyes blurry 

My head filled with dizziness 

I tell myself to try for 10 more

And more and more and more

When will it be enough?

When will my thoughts stop consuming my body

Now it’s June and I’m lying in bed

“I hate myself.”

“I don’t want to be here anymore.”

My mom sheds a tear

Then tells me 

“She will always be here.”

Now we are back to December 

And I am back for square 1

Kneeling over the toilet 

“I’m sick.”

It’s not voluntary, my stomach just hurts

Stop telling yourself lies

I am sick 

But my body is just fine. 

When will it be enough

When will we stop letting these thoughts control our lives

When will we stop letting the images dictate our bodies

When will we realize we are enough

We are more than a number

We are more than a category in a store

Small, medium, large

Why does it matter?

It matters because society has told us it does

But I say no more