Numb, but safe.

Numbness is a funny feeling

I wouldn't know how to describe it

It feels empty

It feels lonely

It feels like you're stuck in time

But the world is moving around you

I lay alone in bed

Surrounded by an army of my own self-destructive thoughts

Telling me I'm not enough

I grip my waist just to check

I feel for my ribs just to check

I count each and every one of them to make sure they are still there

But in reality, it's to make sure they are still visible

Have I gained weight?

Then I feel for my hips.

Are my hip bones still showing?

I turn over

The pressure on my spine is too much

I like that feeling

That's how I know I'm okay

The way each and every one of the bumps on my spine shows when I bend over is how I know I'm safe. 

I go to sleep

And start the process again. 

Numb, but safe.