In your bed

As I lay in your bed

I think to myself 

How did I get here

Intoxicated

Blinded by a friendly face

Your laughter masked your changing mind

Your promising words masked your eager hands

“I never do this.”

Is w’s what I told you

And you promised to just lie with me

Sleep is what you said

I took my guard down

Because of your gentle demeanor

And protective body language

But once I did

I was at your mercy

I don’t put my guard down because I feel things after even the littlest of things

But I did for you

The first time I slept in a guy’s bed

19 years

And I did for you

We were mutuals

Always passing by

And occasional conversations

But when we go out, you come up

As we lay in the bed, you promised to respect my boundaries 

As you push your hands down my pants

I brush it off with laughter 

And use my strength to push your hand away

Your smile is blinding

You think it’s a joke

So you go again 

And again

And again 

Each time I resist 

But you persist

Your determined

That’s a good trait, they say

You ask a lot of questions

Very intrigued by my reasoning 

Your boldness is admirable

But all these things combined are deadly

To a girl who is at her most vulnerable

You tell me you want to have sex

I say no

You ask me why

I say because I don’t want to

You ask again

I answer the same

Then again

And each time I say the same

No

You would think someone could understand the answer to a question they ask

You tell me that it’s ok 

And that we don’t have to

As if you are granting me mercy

Like you are letting me get away

You took my vulnerable state 

A moment where I thought I liked you

Or at least your previous kindness earlier in the night

And you made me feel dirty

Tainted

Unclean

I felt bad about myself

But hey, at least you're ok.