Older & Wiser
I turned 20
One year older
And 20 years passed
Since I was shiny and new
Somehow, I feel as though I am 16 again
I think my 17-year-old sense of excitement and insecurity
My 18-year-old depression
My 19-year-old’s hesitation
And now I am 20
And 6 months in
I reflect to determine if I feel any different
People ask you, “How are you? Do you feel o er? Do you feel different?”
And I said no
I felt as though I was 16 again
I felt the same I did the day before and I will feel the same the day after
But now that I am halfway through my 20th year of life
I think I do feel different
But I don’t think it is because of the number
I think it is because of the new chapter
The pages that have been turned
To get me to this point
The pages that were written with a light touch, fear, and tears that fill the pages
Though those haven’t gone away
We have just turned to the next page
The ink always bleeds through
And the tears always remain
I have learned that a new chapter and era of your life can’t begin until you leave the past behind
I feel like I struggled with this part
I held on to the past a little too long
And I got trapped
I was stuck in time
Stuck between the lines
And bylines
Held hostage by the person I used to be
The one I long to be again
But that person died back at 18
So I could get to 19
And now 20
Those girls have been buried
Covered up
and left in the dust
Yet somehow their shadows still haunt me
And now that all the pages have been turned
We are onto a new chapter
But you can only start to read once
You don’t care about your 16-year-old self
Once you don’t care about how your body used to look
How you used to feel
The boys you liked
The people who didn’t like you
The embarrassing moments that still haunt your mind
Or the broken people that tried to break you
I can’t say that I have forgotten or forgiven
But I have moved on
I have walked forward, but those feelings and thoughts remain
They are just lagging
Always a few pages behind
But they aren’t on the same page
That meets my eyes
