Past self

Sometimes I feel nostalgic

I feel a sort of emptiness 

I long for the empty person I was 

I miss my old self

It’s a weird feeling when you miss someone you shouldn’t miss

When someone is so toxic, but you yearn for their presence

Sometimes I ache for the destructive person I was

Like a ticking time bomb

I was my own self-destruction button

I was self-sabotage in human form

My presence was poisonous

I created chaos everywhere I went

But it wasn’t towards others

Just in my own head

I was sick

But it wasn’t a sickness that could be cured by medication or rest

It was a sickness that followed me everywhere I went

I was frail and fighting for life

My hair was falling out

My bones were present

I was weak,

But my “self-control” was strong

I was in my prime

I had so many people who loved me

But I felt as though I was absolutely alone

I was utterly broken inside

I felt like I was barely holding on

I contemplated ending it a few times

I wouldn’t actually do it

I don’t think

But I thought about how it would happen 

I cared about one thing and one thing only

The number on the scale

I would break down if I “gave in” and ate something during the day

I celebrated when I lost my period for 2 years

I would bend over the toilet every night 

And release

I was in my prime 

Or at least I thought I was

Like I said 

I was broken

And now, a year later, I am doing “better”

I use that word loosely 

But still, I can’t help but miss the girl I used to be